Broken
by Ringwench
Summary: The aftermath of Justin's bashing, told in the POVs of Michael, Brian, and Justin
1. Michael

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BROKEN (pt. 1)

* * *

Title: Broken (Part 1 -- Michael)

Author: Sarah (sarahgosling@cogeco.ca)

Version: US

Pairing: Brian/Justin (feat. Michael as well) 

Rating: PG-13

Category: Drama, Episode-Related, Angst, H/C, POV 

Archive: Yes to ATP, and anywhere else (provided you ask!)

Summary: Takes place immediately after episode 22. First part is Michael's POV, second part is Brian's POV, third part is Justin's POV. 

Status: New 

Author's Notes: I know this is unoriginal as everyone is wanting to do a post-finale fic. I though I'd write one anyway though. This was originally just going to be Mikey's thoughts as he takes care of Brian after Justin's attack. However I couldn't seem to do it without exploring some of Brian's and Justin's thoughts as well which will be contained in parts 2 and 3).

Warnings: I'd rate it, pretty much the same as the show.

Spoilers: Ep 22 mostly, and a little bit for eps 1 and 2

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Michael: 

I walk down the dim ICU hallway, I see him sitting there, looking disheveled and broken. I sit next to him and put my hand on the back of his neck. I don't know if he consciously realizes that I'm here, so I don't say anything, just offer him the silent comfort of my presence as the tears slowly slide down his cheeks, some pooling around his lips, that are reddened with Justin's blood.

My heart breaks for him. But at the same time, it breaks for me. I know at that moment, looking into Brian's tearstained face, that I will never have him. Brian's seemingly unattainable heart looks as though it will forever belong to the boy in the room behind us, who is hooked up to electrodes and tubes, not moving. Justin Taylor has taken what I had always believed would someday be mine, if I only tried hard enough. 

Watching him cry, I feel my eyes fill with tears which spill over soon enough. I hate myself for crying more out of self pity then for Justin, and for my poor best friend who is sitting next to me, silently contemplating the possibility of losing the only person he was ever able to love. 

"Brian?" I say, softly, tentatively, not wanting to disturb his grief but not being able to take the silence anymore.

"Oh Mikey" Brian whispers, as he finally turns to me and lets me take him into my arms and offer him the comfort he needs. I rub his back and tell him that everything is fine. He'll be fine. Justin will be fine. I don't know if these statements are truthful, nor if they make him feel any better, but I feel like I need to say them. He allows himself to cry on my shoulder for only a minute or two. Then he gets up abruptly, ineffectively wiping his eyes with the backs of his hands, as every other spot on his hands seems to be covered in blood. He begins to pace in front of me, walking briskly and aimlessly. He looks as though he wants to say something, but no words come out. He just keeps looking around frantically, angrily. I'm getting a little scared. I've never seen him look thisdestroyed. 

"I called my mom for you." I tell him, "She got a hold of Jennifer and they're on their way."

He nods, running his hands through his sweaty hair. He finally stops pacing and crouches against the opposite wall. His hands are shaking. He notices this and puts them under his arms. 

I don't know what to say to him. I want to make him feel better, but anything I say is going to sound forced and superficial. I am spared the need to think of things to say when my mom, and Justin's mom come rushing down the hallway toward us. 

"Where is he!" Justin's mother says frantically, before I can say anything a nurse is there, trying to calm her down and leading her into the room behind us. 

"Honey, do you know what's happening? How he is?" My mom asks me.

"I don't know, I just got here about ten minutes ago. Brian hasn't told me anything yet, except for what he said to me on the phone. Take my phone and call Ted and Emmett." I tell her, handing her my cell phone. 

Brian is still sitting with his back against the wall, looking down at his hands, which are covered with blood. 

"Oh, Brian" My mom starts to go over to him, but he stands up and begins to walk away from her. 

"Brian, where are you going?" I call after him. He just waves a hand at me and disappears around the corner.

"Mom, I'm gonna" I start.

"Go, Michael, don't leave him alone." Mom says, she turns the cell phone on and starts to dial as I rush down the hall to find Brian. I catch up with him just as he enters one of the bathrooms. He closes the door in my face and locks it. 

"Brian! Open the door!" I yell as I pound on the heavy door.

I hear sounds of retching from behind the door, followed by several choked sobs, then more retching.

"Brian I'm coming in!" I fumble in my pocket for a pen and push the tip into the tiny hole in the doorknob until I hear it click, I open the door and rush to Brian's side. He's slumped in the corner of the washroom, breathing heavily, eyes closed. 

"Brian, are you OK?" I help him to his feet and flush the toilet. I lead him over to the sink where I wet a paper towel and wipe his face for him.

"Here, wash your hands." I put his hands under the water and squeeze some liquid soap on them. The soapy water turns immediately red as the blood washes from his fingers. For a minute he looks as though he's going to vomit again, but as the water turns clearer, he lets out a deep shuddering sigh.

"Alright?" I ask him. He nods almost imperceptibly and takes the wad of paper towel from my outstretched hands. "Come on." I put my hand on the small of his back and lead him out of the tiny room. 

We meet up with my mother again outside of Justin's room.

"They won't let me go in." mom says, annoyed, "They say only family until he's more stable, I really don't see how family or friend makes a difference but"

"Mom, it's just hospital policy." I say, pulling her into a hug, "You'll be able to see him soon."

"I know honey," she says, voice muffled, thick with tears, "I'm just so worried about my poor little sunshine."

"I know, mom." I step out of her embrace. Brian has returned to sitting in one of the hard chairs, expressionless. I offer the seat to my mother but she doesn't want it so I sit next to Brian again.

"Brian, say something." I plead, "You haven't said a word since I got here."

"Nothing to say." He says softly. "Nothing I say is going to change what happened so why say anything."

"Well I just meant" I stammer.

"What do you want me to say, Michael?" Brian snaps, glaring at me.

I don't answer him. He's in far to volatile of a state right now to be disputed.

He looks away and continues to stare blankly into space.

"Brian! Michael!" I hear Emmett call from the end of the hallway, Ted in tow. They walk briskly toward us. "What happened? Where is he?" 

I get up and hug Emmett, because he looks as though he's about to implode. "He got attacked after the prom. Hit in the head with a baseball bat by some homophobic little prick."

"Oh my God." Emmett says, a hand flying up to cover his mouth as his eyes glisten with tears. "Is he going to be OK?"

"I don't know, we're waiting for the damn doctor to come out and tell us something, but she's still in there with Justin's mom." 

"Do you know anything, Brian?" Ted asks.

"Don't bother asking him, he's not talking." Mom chimes in.

"Mom!" I say, harshly.

"Well he isn't." 

"Brian, honey, are you OK?" Emmett sits next to Brian and puts an arm around his shoulder. Brian doesn't even flinch. "Well if you want to talk to us, you can, you know that, right?" Brian nods his head once. Emmett takes his arm from around Brian's shoulder, looking defeated. "Alright then."

The doctor finally exits Justin's room, closing the door behind her. We greet her with a chorus of "How is he?" "Will he be OK?" "What's going on?" She ignores our zealousness and informs us that Justin has a skull fracture, but he's been stabilized and the bleeding has stopped. They won't know the extent of his injuries until he wakes up. 

"When's that going to be?" mom asks. 

"We don't know that." The doctor says, "Could be any time, but he's heavily medicated right now so I would hazard a guess to say probably within the next day or so."

"Is hewill he be" Emmett struggles to speak, "Will he be the same when he wakes up? Is there anyyou knowbrain damage." He chokes back tears.

"We won't know that until he wakes up." The doctor says, "But he's stable now, his heart rate's good, breathing is fine. We just have to wait and see."

"Can we see him?" Brian pipes up, to everyone's surprise.

"No, only family right now." The doctor informs us, "He'll probably be moved out of intensive care by tomorrow, in which case you can see him tomorrow at 10 am."

"You mean he's in there right now, we don't even know if he's going to live, and you won't even let us go in and see him for a few minutes!" Brian snarls venomously. I grab his arm to prevent him from lunging past the doctor into Justin's room.

"Sir, as I told you, he's stable." The doctor tries to explain, as calmly as possible, "I know this is a difficult situation, but hospital policy states that only family members are to see patients in intensive care. I can all but assure you he will be moved tomorrow, and you can see him then during hospital visiting hours."

I guess I'm not holding his arm quite tight enough because he abruptly pushes past everyone and enters Justin's room. I follow him close behind. "Brian you can't go in there!"

"Fuck you, Mikey!" Brian goes to Justin's bedside, Mrs. Taylor is startled by Brian bursting into the room. But she says nothing.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." The doctor says. 

"Brian" I grab both of his arms, and he violently shrugs me away.

"I'm so sorry, Justin." He says softly, voice thick with unshed tears, he strokes Justin's cheek with the back of his hand. 

"Sir, you can't be in here." The doctor says, more firmly now. "If you want to be able to see him later, you have to leave now."

"Brian, come on" I coax.

"I'm leaving!" Brian pushes past me and leaves the room. 

I follow him out, offering Justin's mom a sympathetic look as I exit. The doctor closes the door behind me and watches Brian walk briskly down the hall. "Would it have killed you to let him have a couple of minutes with him!" I shout angrily and go to find Brian.

"Brian!" I call down the hallway to him. "Where are you going." He stops, to my surprise and doubles back toward me. 

"Home. I'm obviously not needed, or wanted here, so I'm going home. But I'm coming back tomorrow morning and I'm seeing him. I don't care what the fuck that cunt says." He says shakily as he fumbles in his pockets. "And where the fuck are my goddamn car keys!"

"I don't know." I say, dumbly.

"Shit, they're still in my jeep and it's still in the fucking parking garage." He curses.

"I'll drive you home, OK?" I offer. "Let's just go tell the others that"

"Can we just go?" Brian asks, looking at me with pleading eyes.

"Alright, I'll call them from the car." I say, "Come on."

We drive home in silence, as I had suspected we would. I want to tell him about what happened with David, but I know it will sound petty compared to what he's going through right now, so I say nothing. I borrow Brian's cell phone to call my mother as she still has my phone. I tell her that I'm taking Brian home. She says that she's staying there overnight, even though she's not allowed to see Justin. She wants to be there for Justin's mom since his dad is nowhere to be found. Like he'd even care. Emmett and Ted left, but they're coming by Brian's apartment tomorrow morning at 9:30 so we can all go see Justin together. She tells me that she'll call if there's any news about Justin's condition.

We arrive at Brian's apartment. Luckily I have a spare key to his place as his keys are apparently still in his Jeep. I'm very surprised that Brian hasn't once mentioned the safety of his Jeep. I'll call Ted and ask him if he can go pick it up. 

Brian immediately locates some pills and swallows two of them down with some water. I look at him disapprovingly.

"Don't even start with me." He snaps. He walks toward the bathroom and I look at the bottle he left on the counter. Sleeping pills. Well I suppose that can't hurt.

I pick up the phone and dial Ted's cell phone number, hopefully he and Emmett are still on the road and they won't mind picking up Brian's Jeep. 

"Hello?" He answers.

"Hey, Ted, it's me." I reply.

"Hey, how's Brian?" He asks.

"Heavily medicated." I say. "Listen, are you home yet?" 

"No, I'm almost at Emmett's." He replies, "Why?"

"Could you and Emmett do me a huge favor?" I ask, knowing before I ask that he'll do it.

"Sure, anything." He says.

"Brian's Jeep is still in the parking garage where Justin's prom was." I say, realizing that I have no clue where that is, "He left his keys in it too, and I don't think he'd appreciate it being stolen."

"Sure we can go pick it up." Ted says. I hear him ask Emmett who agrees.

"Thanks Teddy," I say, relieved, "Let me just ask Brian where the hell the prom was." I ask, and Brian mumbles his answer. I relay the info to Ted. He says that he'll bring the Jeep over tomorrow morning before we go to the hospital.

"OK, I'll see you guys tomorrow then." I say, I look at my watch, it's nearly 4 am "Bright and early." I add.

"I'm going to call Mel and Lindsay, tell them to meet us at the hospital tomorrow." Ted tells me.

"Yeah, that's a good idea." I reply. "Tell Blake he can come too."

"Well, considering I don't know where the hell he is, I'm going to hazard a guess and say he won't be coming." Ted says, sadly.

"What happened?" I ask.

"He made his choice. And I wasn't it." Ted says.

"Geez, I'm sorry, Teddy." I say.

"Thanks." Ted says, "Look I'm going to go."

"Alright." I say, sensing he really doesn't want to talk about it now. "See you tomorrow" He hangs up without saying goodbye.

I walk toward Brian's bedroom. He's laying half on and half off his bed, still fully clothed, still with that blank look in his eyes. "You gotta get some sleep, Brian." I say, and I begin to undress him.

"Are you staying here?" He asks, softly, letting me take off his shoes and socks without protest. 

"I'm not leaving you alone." I answer him. I take the bloody scarf from around his neck. I go to throw it out and he stops me. 

"Don't!" 

"Brian, it's ruined." I explain.

"I know, just don't." He says. I lay it on a chair. I can see him dozing as I continue to undress him. I wonder to myself how many times I've done this; looked after Brian when he was messed up. Either from drugs, alcohol, or various other reasons. 

Brian's just in his boxers now. He shifts upward and lays his head on the pillow. I cover him with the sheet and set about undressing myself. I pad to the kitchen in my boxers and make sure the alarm is set. I turn the light off and head back to Brian's room. I hear him start to cry. 

"It's my fault. I was all my fault!" He chokes out between sobs. I climb into bed next to him and put my arms around him from behind. He's shaking violently.

"Shhh" I soothe, "It's OK. It wasn't your fault."

"Yes it was!" He wails, "if I hadn't haveIf I'd only" he turns toward me and buries his face in my chest. I feel my heart swell with love and sorrow. I hold him closer, stroking his hair.

"You didn't know that was going to happen." I soothe, "If you did you'd have done everything in your power to try to stop it, am I right?"

He nods against my chest still unable to speak.

"So there's no possible way this could be your fault." I say, "Your being there probably saved him. That prick would have left him there to die if you hadn't have been there."

He pulls away from me a little, sniffling, eyes swollen and red. "Why is this happening?" he asks.

"Because some fucking asshole couldn't deal with the fact that a queer goes to his school and decided that" 

"No," he interrupts my rant, "I mean why is this happening to me? Why does this hurt so much?"

I pause for what seems like a very long time before saying something that I know needs to be said, as much as I don't want to admit it and Brian doesn't want to hear it: "Because you love him."

"No I don't." 

"Yes you do, Brian." I insist. He pulls out of my embrace and turns away. "You love him. And I know that scares the shit out of you because of all it involves. It involves giving up all this crap you built your whole life philosophy on. No boyfriends. No dating. No strings attached.' That's bullshit, Brian and you know it. I remember you saying something to me once that you were a very kind and loving person. That's true. You just don't let people see that very often because you're afraid. Afraid that someone will think less of you."

He turns to face me again. I can tell this is hitting a nerve, that he knows I'm right, so I keep going.

"But nobody's going to think less of you. It's OK to love someone. It's OK to care. And that means that you're going to hurt sometimes. Because that's the sacrifice you have to make when you get into an adult relationship. And don't even try to tell me that you don't care about Justin, or that you don't love him. Because I know for a fucking fact that Brian Kinney wouldn't be caught dead at a high school prom for anything less than love. And I certainly know that you wouldn't be laying here crying more than you have in your entire life, for some kid who's nothing but a fuck who overstayed his welcome."

We stare at each other. Brian looks at me with pleading eyes. His lip quivering, tears slowly spilling over his eyelids. I should feel good about myself that I've gotten through to Brian. Rendered him speechless. But I don't. I just feel an immense amount of pity and love.

"Come here." I say, finally, and pull him toward me again. I turn his face toward mine and kiss him quickly before allowing him to snuggle into my shoulder again. The drugs he took earlier begin to take effect and he finally falls asleep. I remain awake for awhile longer though. Thinking. Thinking about the price of love. I love Brian, and all that's ever gotten me is hurt. I love David. Hurt there too. Maybe Brian did have the right idea with all his stupid rules. But if even he can't stick to his own rules, I'd be hopeless to even try. On that thought, with Brian sleeping soundly in my arms, I drift off to sleep.

To Be Continued...

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	2. Brian

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BROKEN (pt. 2)

* * *

Title: Broken (Part 2 -- Brian)

Author: Sarah (sarahgosling@cogeco.ca)

Version: US

Pairing: Brian/Justin (feat. Michael as well) 

Rating: R

Category: Drama, Episode-Related, Angst, H/C, POV 

Archive: Yes to ATP, and anywhere else (provided you ask!)

Summary: Takes place immediately after episode 22. First part is Michael's POV, second part is Brian's POV, third part is Justin's POV. 

Status: New 

Author's Notes: It would probably help if you read the first part of the story first. Thanks to Julie who beta'd!

Warnings: I'd rate it, pretty much the same as the show.

Spoilers: Ep 22 you have to know what happens in that ep for this to make sense.

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Brian:

I wake up to being rolled out of an embrace. I groggily glance around for Justin, but instead see Mikey in his boxers, walking briskly toward the kitchen to answer the ringing phone. I wonder what the hell is going on, then my eyes drift to the bloody scarf draped over the chair beside the bed and everything comes flooding back. My heart sinks as last night's events rapidly wash over my memory. Justin. I get out of bed and walk toward the kitchen where Michael is talking on the phone. 

"OK, see you in a little while." Mikey says, then hangs up the phone.

"Who was that?" I ask, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I got up entirely too fast and it feels entirely too early. I glance at the wall clock. It's nearly 9 am. 

"That was Emmett," Michael answers, "He and Ted are going to be here in about a half hour."

I nod. 

"You should have a shower." Mikey tells me, I take a quick glance down at my body and agree with him.

"Mind if I borrow a clean shirt?" He asks, "My stuff's still in the car."

"Go ahead." I say, then something occurs to me, "Wait a minute, why the hell are you here?"

Mikey looks at me incredulously, "What do you mean why am I here?" He asks, "You call me up in a panic telling me to come to the hospital because"

"No I mean, why aren't you with David?" I ask.

"Oh, well" he starts, "I don't know where things stand with David and I right now. So I don't know if I'm going to Portland." He looks down, sadly. "I know you probably don't care, but"

"Mikey," I say, "of course I care. And I'm sorryyou know, that things didn't work out for you."

"Well thanks." He says, swiftly, "Do you mind if I shower first?" he says, and before I can answer he's in the bathroom. I sit down and run my hands through my very greasy hair. I pick up the phone and dial Michael's cell number, hoping that Deb still has it turned on. It rings a few times before she picks up.

"Hello?" she answers.

"How is he?" I ask.

"Same." Deb says, "No better, no worse."

I sigh with both relief and disappointment. Relief that he's still alive, and disappointment that he's not awake. But I should have known that if anything had changed Deb would have called.

"How are you doing, honey?" She asks.

"I don't know." I answer, truthfully, "I just feel so horrible about this whole thing."

"You didn't do anything wrong, sweetie." She says.

"Anyway, we'll be there at 10." I say.

"Alright." She says, I know she wants me to say more, but I just can't. "Is Michael there?"

"Shower." I reply.

"OK, well I'll see you boys later." She says, and I hang up. My stomach moans with hunger, but just the thought of food makes me feel nauseous, so I ignore it. 

"Shower's free." Michael says as he emerges from the bathroom, towel around his waist.

"OK," I say, as I walk toward the bathroom, stripping off my boxers as I go and letting them stay where they fall. "Take any shirt you want." 

Michael is standing there with the towel still around his waist, even though he's holding his pants in his hands. I know he'll wait until after the bathroom door is closed before he removes the towel because he doesn't want me to see his arousal at seeing my naked body. But I've known him for sixteen years so I don't have to see it to know he's hard. Sometimes I feel bad that I can't just bring myself to fuck him. Give him what he wants. But I can't. I care about him too much to confuse him like that. It's bad enough I let him kiss me as often as he does. I push these thoughts away as I step into the hot spray of the shower. Letting it wash over my body in the attempt to cleanse away the previous day's pain. It doesn't work. But at least I'll smell a little sweeter. 

As I stand under the cascading water my mind wanders to Justin. Dancing with him. Dipping him, twirling himkissing him. That smile on his face. I'll never forget it. I'd never seen him look so happy. And I'd never felt as happy. Something changed between us last night. And it felt good. Maybe Mikey's right, maybe I do love the little shit. No sooner have I let a smile past my lips when I remember again how that happiness came to a brutal halt. The sound. I can't get the sound out of my head. If only I'd insisted he come with me. Back to my place. We both knew he was going to come over later anyway. He'd have come with me then if I'd asked. He's pretty easily swayed by the promise of sex. If I'd only done that I'd probably be enjoying some mind-blowing shower sex right now instead of showering by myself getting ready to go to the hospital, not knowing if he's going to live or die. 

I feel the tears stinging behind my eyes again for what seems like the millionth time in less than twelve hours. I take a few deep breaths and close my eyes against the warm water of the shower and the feeling lessens. I turn the water off and step out of the shower. I take a towel from the counter and wrap it around my waist before I exit the bathroom. I figure I'll give Mikey a break. 

I must have spent longer in the shower than I had planned because Emmett and Ted were already there.

"Hi honey, how are you?" Emmett asks, a look of concern in his eyes.

"Been better." I answer. 

"Hurry up, we gotta go." Michael tells me.

"I picked up your Jeep for you." Ted says, "It's in the parking garage."

"Oh yeah," I had completely forgotten about that. "Thanks."

"No problem," he says, "Your keys are on the counter."

I nod to him then go back into my room to get dressed. My body isn't even completely dry as I pull on a pair of jeans and a black shirt, but I don't care. I have to see him. My mind feels hazy. I feel almost like I'm hung over, but I didn't have the pleasure of being drunk the night before. I have a headache and I feel dizzy and disoriented. It's like I'm not even controlling my own body; I'm just going. 

I walk into the kitchen and grab the bottle of aspirin from the top of the fridge. I shake three tablets into my hand and swallow them with a gulp of orange juice.

"Come on, we'll take my car." Michael says. We all file out of the loft. Mikey hands me my keys as we leave. I look at him, dumbly.

"To lock the door." He says.

I nod, I'm surprised I forgot that. I lock the door and we head out to Michael's car. 

Emmett tries to make small talk on the way there but I'm in no mood. I snap at him to shut up and he does. It was probably a little mean, but who cares. We go the rest of the way in silence. 

We enter the hospital. Michael stops at the front desk to ask where Justin's been moved to, if he has been. The woman at the desk says that he's been moved out of ICU, and tells us where we can find him. Luckily she didn't ask us if we were family. I think I would have honestly lost it. Who the fuck cares if you're family or not? Why the hell does it make a difference. I watched the kid get his head bashed in for fuck's sake and they wouldn't even let me sit with him once he was stabilized last night. Assholes. 

Emmett and Ted walk ahead of Mikey and me in the hallway, Mikey keeps looking at me like I'm going to break. I let it go because I've never felt more fragile in my life. 

Mel and Lindsay are sitting in the hallway outside Justin's room. They have Gus with them. I go toward them and take Gus from Lindsay's arms. I kiss him and feel immediately comforted by his presence. It's amazing that someone that small can have such an effect on me. I would have never thought it possible.

"Hey Sonny-Boy." I whisper, softly, as he snuggles into my neck. He smells good. I close my eyes and remember the first night I met him. It was the first night I met Justin too. And now here we were, back in the same hospital. Under slightly less joyful circumstances, unfortunately.

Lindsay stands up and puts her arms around me and Gus. "Oh, Brian. I'm so sorry." I can't speak, so I just nod. 

"Yeah, poor Justin." Mel says. 

"Is there anything I can do?" Linds asks, pulling away. I shake my head and hand Gus back. 

"So can we see him?" Emmett asks.

"One person at a time." Mel says. "Jennifer's in there now."

"Where's my mom?" Mikey asks.

"Getting coffee." Lindsay explains, "She's been here all night and neither she nor Jennifer got any sleep at all. You have to tell her to go home for a little while, Mike.'

"I'll try." Michael says. 

Debbie rounds the corner with four coffees on a tray. Mel and Lindsay each take one. Linds offers hers to me but I decline. 

Debbie knocks on the door to Justin's room then walks in. Closing the door behind her. A few minutes pass in silence, then Debbie and Jennifer exit the room together. Both looking exhausted and drained. 

"Who wants to go in and see him?" Debbie asks. 

I feel suddenly panicked. I want to see him, but now that I'm just about to I feel scared for some reason. I can't quite figure out why.

"Brian should go." Emmett says. Everybody agrees with him. 

I look to Justin's mother for approval, she nods and I stand up and walk into the room, closing the door behind me. I stand with my back leaning against the door for what seems like a very long time. I stare at him. His eyes are closed. He has a bandage on his head. 

I can't help but think of the sound again. The horrible thud of the bat hitting the side of his head.

I close my eyes. Why can't I bring myself to walk over to him? I look at the heart monitor beside the bed. The green line rising and falling steadily. I take two steps foreword. He would look angelic if it weren't for the slightly bloodied bandages marring his perfection. 

Suddenly, I can't breathe, I feel like I'm suffocating and I have to get out of this room. I let the door fly open and I leave. I say nothing to the others, I just walk. I don't know where the hell I'm going. I just have to be away. 

I find a door that leads to a stairwell, so I duck in there. I sit on one of the steps and put my forehead on my knees. I'm trying to catch my breath but it's just not working. I sit for awhile then I hear the door open and feel an arm around my shoulders. I don't have to look up to know it's Lindsay. 

"What happened?" she asks, in that soft, soothing tone of hers. 

"I freaked out, that's what happened." I say, still not looking at her.

"Why?" she asks.

"I don't know." I answer.

"Is it because you think this is your fault?" she asks.

"I KNOW it's my fault!" I snap, finally looking at her. 

"No it isn't, Brian." Linds tells me. I don't believe her. This whole fucking thing is my fault. I should have just let him go to his fucking prom with Daphne and none of this would have happened.

"Whatever," I say. Putting my guard back up again. I really don't feel like crying again. No wait, change that, I do feel like crying again, but I'm not going to let myself. At least not in front of anyone.

"Well, you're the only one who thinks that this is your fault." Linds informs me. She turns my head so that I'm facing her. "Nobody is blaming you, Brian."

"Yeah, ask his mother," I say. Jesus, I don't want to have to talk to her.

"She doesn't blame you either." Lindsay says, taking my face into her hands. "Don't be so hard on yourself. This is hard enough for you as it is without you thinking it's all your fault."

I pull her in for a hug because I can't look into her eyes anymore. I've never felt more lost in my life. 

"It'll be OK." Lindsay says, pulling away from me. She reaches up and brushes a tear from my cheek. I hadn't even noticed it falling. 

I want to ask how she knows it'll be OK. But I know that, like me and everyone else, she can only hold on to the hope that it will be OK. That Justin will escape from this the same as he was before. I just don't know if *I'm* going to escape from this the same as I was before. 

"Come on. Everyone's worried about you." Lindsay says, getting up and offering me her hand.

"Great. Just what I need. Everyone's pity." I say, rolling my eyes.

"It's not pity, it's concern." Linds tells me. We exit the stairwell and head back toward the gathering of people outside Justin's room. 

"You OK?" Michael asks, as Em gives up his seat for me. I take it and nod, yes, to Mikey, who looks unconvinced. 

"Is Jennifer back in there now?" Lindsay asks as she reclaims her seat next to Mel and the baby. 

"Yeah." Michael answers. "I got my mother to go home. She says she's coming back this afternoon though. She said she'll bring us all food from the diner."

"How did you convince her to leave?" Lindsay asks.

"I guilt tripped her by telling her that Uncle Vic was probably lonely." Mikey says "She said she's bringing him with her this afternoon. As you can probably guess, he's not the biggest fan of hospitals."

"I can imagine." Em says 

I hear footsteps coming down the hall briskly. It's Daphne. Her hair's still partially done up from the night before. 

"How is he?" she asks. There are no more chairs so she just stands in the middle of the hallway. "My parents wouldn't let me come last night."

"He's stable, but not awake yet." Michael says. 

Daphne looks across the hall at me. "God, Brian, I'm so sorry. Are you OK?"

"Wonderful." I snarl. I immediately feel bad for my sarcasm, but I don't apologize. What's done is done. 

Daphne, thankfully, ignores my comment. "Can I see him?" she asks.

"Yeah, honey, just knock on the door and ask his mom." Emmett says, getting up and leading her toward the door. "Only one person's allowed in the room at a time."

Emmett knocks for her and Daphne walks in. A moment later, Jennifer exits the room, looking around uncomfortably at everyone. I take this as my cue to go to the vending machine. As much as Lindsay may not think that Jennifer blames me, I know better. 

I get to the vending machine only to realize that all I have are three twenty dollar bills in my wallet and nothing else. So I begin to walk slowly back. I look around the corner at the gathering outside Justin's room. Jennifer is still there so I stay where I am, leaning against the cool bricks of the wall, closing my eyes against my headache that won't seem to go away. I'll go back in a minute. 

"You don't have to hide from me. I don't bite." I hear Justin's mom say as she suddenly appears beside me. 

My eyes fly open and I can't think of anything to say to her.

"It wasn't your fault, Brian." She says. "I actually wanted to thank you. You know, for being there. He might have died without you."

"Don't thank me for being there." I plead, "If I hadn't have been there this wouldn't have happened in the first place."

"You don't know that." She says. 

"I'm sorry." I say, "I'm really sorry."

"Did he have fun?" she asks, "At the prom?"

I look at her for a moment, then say "Yeah, he did. I did too."

"I'm sure it meant a lot to him that you came." She says. "He really loves you. You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah, I know." I say. 

"Well," she says, awkwardly, "Daphne's out, I guess that's my cue."

"Uhis there anything I can do?" I say as she begins to walk away from me. 

"Just be there for him." She says, and continues walking.

I stand there for a moment, watching her hug Daphne, then resume her vigil in Justin's room. I walk back to the group and sit in the hard plastic chair next to Mikey. 

"You haven't eaten all day, have you?" He asks me.

"Not hungry." I reply. 

"Well, when my mom comes back with the food later, you're eating some." Michael says.

"Fine." I say, just wanting him to shut up.

For the next few hours I stay sitting in this chair, watching all my friends go in to see him. Everybody keeps telling me that I should go in there, but for some reason I can't. If I go into that room and talk to him I'll feel like I'm saying goodbye or something. And I don't want to do that. But there are so many things I want to say to him. 

I want to tell him how much he means to me. I want to tell him how happy he makes me. I want to tell him I'm sorry for ever hurting him. I want to tell him that I love him. There, I've admitted it to myself, now the tough part is admitting it to anyone else. I want to tell him. I just hope I'll be able to. 

Daphne's mother comes in to pick her up. She hugs Jennifer and looks around at all of us with fascination. Bet she's never seen this many fags in one room before. 

I sit in silence awhile longer. Not knowing how much time has passed since I've spoken. Debbie comes in with Vic in tow. They've brought food and instead of getting into an argument with Michael over why I'm not eating, I pick up a ham sandwich and begin to eat it, slowly. It tastes good, nonetheless, my stomach isn't liking it very much. I pick at it a bit then wrap it back up and put it on the table beside me. 

"How're you doing, hon?" Debbie says, noticing my lack of appetite.

I shrug, not wanting to break my silence. 

"Michael says you haven't gone in to see him yet?" She says.

I still say nothing.

"You should go in. Talk to him." She says. "It might help."

"Help who?" I ask.

"Both of you." She says. She walks in to the room to check on Jennifer. The one person at a time rule isn't being too strictly enforced. As long as the doctor's not around. 

I finally take a look at my watch. It's nearly six. We've been here forever. 

"You have to eat, Brian." Michael says, handing me back my sandwich.

I open the plastic wrap and take a few small bites to appease him. Trying not to think of the nauseous feeling building in my stomach. This seems to satisfy Michael who hands me a can of Coke. I open it and take a few sips. It's a little warm but I don't really care. 

Mel and Lindsay begin packing up Gus's diaper bag.

"Leaving?" I ask.

"Yeah, Gus is starting to get fussy." Lindsay says. "Call us if anything happens though."

"Yeah, we'll be right over." Mel says, not really to me.

"See you, Brian." Lindsay kisses me and holds Gus out. I kiss him on the cheek and arrange the blankets around him more snugly.

"Bye Gus." I say, softly, and kiss him again on his forehead. 

They leave and I'm back to sitting in silence. Ted and Emmett are talking about Blake. Something about him running off again. I saw that one coming from a mile away, but does anyone listen to Brian? Nope. I choose not to comment on their conversation. 

Nothing changes for what seems like a long time. Em and Ted keep chatting, Debbie and Vic are chatting. Suddenly a silence falls over everyone. I look up to see Mr. Taylor and his young daughter coming down the hall. He looks at us and says nothing, just walks into Justin's room, dragging his daughter in with him. Well I certainly didn't expect him to show up. Considering he's probably known about this since it happened and hasn't been by yet. 

He doesn't close the door properly so I can hear their conversation. Jennifer sounds like she's crying, yelling at him for not coming by earlier. He's making up some lame excuse like he didn't want to wake up Molly. 

I hear him use the phrase "If he didn't flaunt himself like that, this would have never happened. Why can't he just be normal?" 

That's it, I can't sit here anymore. I barge into the room and grab him by the shirt front. 

"You don't know anything!" I scream, "Why should he be beaten within an inch of his life just for being himself?!"

"Oh it's you." He says, trying to sound menacing but I can hear the fear in his voice. 

"Yeah, and I'm not going away." I say, "Your son is the most amazing person I know, and you don't want to have anything to do with him! You cut him out of your life – your own son! – just because he doesn't fit into that perfect image you had laid out in your mind. Why the hell are you even here? His real family's here for him and that's all that matters. Get the fuck out!"

He pulls out of my grasp. "He is still my son!" He yells, "and you're still nothing! You're not his family!"

"Well I've been here all day!" I yell back, "Where the hell have you been?"

Before he can answer Michael is pulling me back, out of the room. "Brian! Let it go!" Mikey says, holding me by the shoulders. 

"Who does that asshole think he is?" I say.

"He's Justin's father." Michael says, "Asshole or not, he's still his father."

I see Jennifer exiting the room, wiping her eyes with a tissue. "Brian" she starts saying. Damn, I probably really pissed her off.

"I'm sorry" I start to apologize.

"No, don't be sorry." She says, "You're right."

"I have to get out of here." I say, suddenly feeling the need to be anywhere but in this hospital. 

"Don't leave because of him." Jennifer says, putting a hand on my arm. 

"I have to go." I say, beginning to walk toward the exit, knowing Mikey will follow me and take me home. He does.

"Brian, wait!" He calls after me.

"I want to go home." I tell him, without turning to look at him. 

"Alright, I'll drive you." He says. 

We get to the car and he unlocks it. We start driving, I'm still not saying anything. Mikey looks as though he has a million things to say to me but is too scared to say any of them. 

We get back to my place and walk in. I pop a few more aspirin in another vain attempt at ridding myself of my pounding headache. 

"Do you want me to stay?" Michael asks.

"No, I want to be alone." I say.

"Are you sure?" he asks, "I don't mind."

"I know you don't." I say, "And thank you. But I just need some time to myself, OK?"

"Alright." He says, after a long pause, "But if you need anything call me, alright? Anything."

"I know." I say, I let him give me a hug and a kiss, then he leaves, looking worriedly back at me. I say nothing and close the door behind him. 

I put on a pot of coffee, then sit down and turn the TV on. It's turned to a movie that's already started. I watch it anyway, not really caring what it is as I drink the coffee straight from the pot.

After it's over I flip channels for a moment before settling on a news broadcast. I watch for a few minutes and I'm surprised to see a picture of Justin pop up in the corner of the screen beside the news anchor's head. It has the word "Hate crime" under his smiling face. Looks like a yearbook photo. It doesn't do him justice. I listen to what the woman is saying: "Eighteen year old Justin Taylor, an openly gay student at St. James Acadamy, was savagely beaten after his prom last night. The boy charged with the assault, a classmate, whose identity is not being revealed at this time, is also in the hospital. An older male friend of Taylor's wounded the assailant shortly after the attack. Police sources say that this man, who is as yet unidentified, is unlikely to face criminal charges for the act that is being called self defense. Justin himself lies in the hospital in a coma, doctors are uncertain of his prognosis at this time."

I turn the TV off. I remember talking to the police last night. Asking me what happened, why I was there. I don't remember what I said, I just remember saying that I had to go with Justin and that I couldn't talk to them. I gave them my business card but they hadn't called yet. Maybe they had and I just hadn't gotten the message. Whatever, I don't feel like talking to them anyway. 

Goddamn it! I have to get my mind off this! I feel like I'm going crazy. Everything just keeps repeating itself over and over again. I get up and walk over to my desk, finding my book of phone numbers. I glance through it quickly and make my selection. Some guy named Jeff. I can't remember who the hell he is for the life of me but he has a star next to his name, meaning, he must have been good. I pick up the phone to dial his number. I look at my watch, it's 11:30. Shit, I hope he picks up. I decide to try his cell phone. 

"Hello?" he answers. I can hear dance music in the background. 

"This is Brian Kinney." I say in my best come-fuck-me voice, "Remember me?"

"How could I forget." He says.

"Want to get together?" I ask, "My place, twenty minutes?"

"Sure." He says. I give him the address.

"I'll be waiting." I say, and hang up the phone. What the hell am I doing? Justin's laying in a coma and I'm calling someone up for a quick fuck. I feel disgusted with myself but I walk toward the bedroom anyway and straighten the sheets. I lay down on the soft duvet and close my eyes.

The next thing I know, I hear the buzzer from the lobby. Crap, I must have fallen asleep, I leap out of bed and walk toward the intercom to hit the door button. I suddenly don't feel quite in the mood anymore. 

I hear a knock on the door and I open it. I remember this guy now. Very muscular. I close the door and he forces me into a kiss, practically shoving his tongue down my throat. I pull him off gently and begin to walk toward the bed. Taking my shirt off as I go. He follows me, taking his shirt off too. I lay down on the bed. He gets on top of me and takes off my belt. He pulls off my pants and immediately goes to work on my cock. He's telling me how beautiful I am. This isn't helping to get my mind off Justin. It's actually making me think of him MORE. I feel guilty. I know I can't do this right now. 

"Stop it." I say, pushing him off me. 

"What?" He says, "What was I doing wrong."

"Nothing." I say, reaching over the side of the bed for my pants. 

"Well what the hell's the problem." He asks, getting up from the bed.

"I want you to leave." I say, not looking at him.

"Fuck you!" He says, getting angry. 

"No, I don't think we'll be doing that." I say, trying to sound assertive. I stand up and stare him down.

"I didn't come all the way over here for nothing!" He says, I walk over to the door and open it, motioning him to leave.

"You fucking asshole." He says, he grabs his shirt and begins to walk toward the door. He pauses for a moment, and just as I think he's about to leave he punches me in the stomach hard enough to double me over.

"That's for being a fucking cock-tease!" he says. Luckily, he leaves because I'm in no position for a physical fight. I'd probably lose judging by his size. I manage to get to my feet to close and lock the door. I sit on the couch for a few minutes to catch my breath. 

I feel the pot of coffee I just drank rising up my throat and I stumble toward the kitchen sink because it's closer to me than the bathroom. I wipe my mouth with a wad of paper towel, and stand against the counter for support. 

I know I have to see him. It's after midnight but I don't care. I have to see him. And I will this time. No freaking out when I get through the doorway. I pick up my shirt from the floor and put it on, I notice that it's inside out but I make no move to fix it. I grab my car keys off the counter and head out toward the parking garage.

As I drive I try to think positively, that everything will be fine. He'll come out of this alright. I wish I could believe myself. And I wish I could believe everyone else when they say it's not my fault. 

I park the Jeep and walk in through the front doors. I don't say anything to the nurse at the front desk because I know she'll just tell me I can't be here or something. She doesn't notice me, thankfully, and I'm able to make it to the elevator without being questioned by anyone. 

I get to the right floor and walk down the hallway to Justin's room. There is nobody in the hall now. Everyone went home. I turn the knob slowly and open the door. Jennifer is asleep on a cot across the room from Justin's bed. The door makes a loud creaking noise and she opens her eyes. 

"Sorry, I woke you." I say.

"It's alright." She says, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. "I'm glad you came back. I'll let you sit with him for awhile." 

"Thanks." I say, she squeezes my hand as she walks out, closing the door behind her and leaving me alone with Justin. 

There is a chair set up beside his bed. I go over to it and sit down. I can't stand to see him like this. So vulnerable and helpless. Nothing like the strong and vital person I've come to know.

"Hi, Justin." I say, not really sure of how to begin. I reach for his hand. I squeeze it but he doesn't squeeze back. I feel a lump in my throat as I look at his beautiful face. I get up for a moment and place a soft kiss on his lips.

"I'm sorryabout all this." I say, "I mean sure we had a great time, but none of that is worth you having to go through this. I'm a fucking idiot. I couldn't protect you. I couldn't stop it. I should have done something. I don't know if you'll ever forgive me. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself. And alsoI'm sorry for ever hurting you. I know I'm not always nice to you. Well I'm hardly ever nice to you. I don't deserve you, Justin. I'm such a shit to you and you're always there for me. I'm going to try to be a bettera better boyfriend. Geez, I never thought I'd be saying that. I guess all I want to say isI don't knowdon't leave me. Not now, not when I've finally figured out that you mean something to me; that you mean a lot to me. I don't want to have to live without you. I don't know if I could. II love you." 

I'm surprised at myself for letting those words escape, even though I know I mean them. I look at him again, trying to find some kind of sign that he's heard me, but he looks the same as he has all day. I kiss him again, then again, then once more. 

"See you, Justin." I say, gently letting go of his hand. I refuse to say goodbye, it sounds too final. I open the door to find Jennifer sitting in one of the hall chairs, she gets up and puts her arms around me. 

"Thank you." She says. "I know that was difficult for you." I pull away from her slowly. 

"Um" I stammer, feeling overwhelmed, "Call me if anything happens, ok?"

"I promise." She says, she smiles at me a moment then heads back into the room, closing the door behind her. 

I walk out of the hospital and back to my Jeep. I do feel a little better for having talked to him. Although it's debatable whether he could hear me. I hope he did. 

I walk into the loft and lock the door behind me. I check my messages. One of them is from the police. Hmm, I guess they did call. They want me to come in tomorrow and give a statement. That should be fun. The other message is from Mikey, just wondering if I'm OK. Oh, Mikey. Always looking out for me. 

I don't call him back. I don't feel like talking to anyone right now. I pop a few sleeping pills and turn off the kitchen light. I take my clothes off, go toward my bed, and get under the covers. 

Let him be OK. I say a silent prayer to whomever may be listening. Just please let him be OK. 

I close my eyes and try to think positive thoughts, as if by sheer power of will I could make him alright. I roll to the other side of the bed, the side Justin sleeps on when he stays here. I bury my face in the pillow trying to see if his scent is still there. It's very faint but it's there. I try to stop the tears but I can't. The pills kick in soon and I start to drift off, hoping with every fiber of my being that he will recover. If I feel this empty without him in my bed, I don't even want to imagine how empty I would feel without him in my life. 

To Be Continued...

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	3. Justin

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BROKEN (pt. 3)

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Title: Broken (Part 3 -- Justin)

Author: Sarah (sarahgosling@cogeco.ca)

Version: US

Pairing: Brian/Justin (feat. Michael as well) 

Rating: PG-13

Category: Drama, Episode-Related, Angst, H/C, POV 

Archive: Yes to ATP, and anywhere else (provided you ask!)

Summary: Takes place immediately after episode 22. First part is Michael's POV, second part is Brian's POV, third part is Justin's POV. 

Status: New 

Author's Notes: It would probably help if you read the first part and second part of the story first. Thanks to Julie who beta'd! And I'm so very sorry that this took so damn long to finish! My muse took an unscheduled leave of absence for a little while! I'm really hoping that it's as good as everyone who emailed me about the first two parts hopes it will be! I don't think it's quite as good as my Brian chapter (I still don't know where that came from--the thing just wrote itself!), but hopefully it's still passable! 

Warnings: I'd rate it, pretty much the same as the show.

Spoilers: Ep 22 you have to know what happens in that ep for this to make sense.

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Justin:

I hear voices. Fragments of sentences. Some words are clear, some are distorted. What the hell's going on? My eyes are closed. They feel heavy. I try to open them but I can't. I try to say something but I can't. I give up. Too tired anyway. 

I wake up again. My eyes are still closed. I hear more voices, they sound far away. One is my mother. One is someone I don't recognize. Something about tests and x-rays. I wish I could remember things. Like where I am and why I'm here and why the hell my body's not doing what I want it to. I want to scream. I want to yell. But nothing's happening. I slowly drift into darkness and silence again, and I'm powerless to do anything about it.

I hear voices again. Mom's, and Debbie's, andsome other people. Not Brian's. Oh my God. Brian. Where's Brian? I struggle a minute longer and finally my body responds. My eyes flutter open a crack. I see Mom, Debbie, Michael, Emmett. They're walking out the door. The light streaming in from the open door is so bright I almost want to close my eyes against it but I'm scared to. I'm afraid I'll never get them open again. I still can't move my body. I look down at it. It's covered by a white sheet. I'm wearing a blue cloth gown. I can see white just above my eyes. What the fuck? 

Prom. Dancing. Kissing. Then what?

My eyes are feeling heavy. The light coming through the lids is getting fainter and fainter. I try to keep them open. Mom comes back in the room and sits down beside the bed.

I'm trying to blink, or open my eyes wider so she'll see. They close again against all my efforts. I'm so fucking frustrated. My eyes feel as though they've been glued shut. 

I try to make some noise. Say something, anything. Fuck! I summon up every ounce of strength in my body and come up with this:

"Unhhh"

"Justin" my mother heard me! "Justin! Can you hear me?"

I try to say something to her but that one groan was apparently all that was going to come out for now. But I do manage to open my eyes a crack, which mom notices, I think.

"Justin, honey, I'll be right back!" Mom sounds really freaked out, "I'm just going to get the doctor."

I still don't have a fucking clue what's going on. I've managed to figure out that I'm in a hospital. My head is killing me. I really wish somebody would tell me what the hell happened. And I really wish Brian was here. I hope he's OK.

"He made a noise, and he opened his eyes a little bit." I hear my mother explaining to the doctor. I can't see anything, my eyes have closed and I'm beginning to drift out of consciousness again. 

"This is a good sign," I hear him say, "he's beginning to wake up." My left eye is forced open and a bright light is shined into it. I try to close it against the light but I can't. Jesus. I can't open my eyes, I can't close my eyes. He does the same with the other eye, then I go back into darkness.

"Just keep talking to him and."

"OkJus ."

Then I'm asleep again.

I wake up again, not knowing how much time has passed since the last time I awoke. Well I guess I wasn't really awake. More like aware. Debbie's beside me now, holding my hand. She's talking my ear off, same as usual.

"Sunshine, we all know you'll be just fine." She says, "Everyone's here for you and"

Back to darkness again. 

"Thanks again Debbie, and I'll call you if anything happ"

"His eyes are open!" 

I'm awake. Not like before. Like really awake. My eyes are open and I can see what's going on. Mom and Debbie rush to my side. 

"Honey!" Mom puts her hand on my face, "Justin, say something."

"M..mom" I croak out. My voice doesn't even sound like my own and my throat is so dry it feels like it's on fire.

"Oh, Sunshine you gave us such a scare!" Debbie says, brushing the tears off her cheeks.

I try to turn my head and am rewarded by a blinding pain stemming from just above my right eye. I wince with pain, as I see flashes of light wash over my eyes.

"It's alright, honey." Mom says, "Don't try to move, Debbie's going to go get the doctor."

"Thirsty." I choke out. Mom goes out of my field of vision for a moment and returns with a glass of water. She puts the straw between my lips and I take a few small sips. 

Debbie comes back into the room followed by the doctor. 

"Hello, Justin." The doctor says, "I'm Dr. Wallace, can you understand me?"

I nod my head as much as I can, which is barely at all, but apparently that's good enough for the doctor.

"Do you know who this person is?"

"Mom."

"And her?"

"DDebbie."

"Alright." The doctor shines that light in my eyes again, "Do you know where you are?"

"Inin the hospital?" I say.

"Yes, that's right. Do you know why?"

"No." I say, when the fuck is somebody going to tell me?

"You were attacked after your prom." The doctor says, "You have a severe concussion and you've been in a coma for the past 3 days."

Attacked? By who? Three fucking days?

"Who?" I ask.

"That little asshole Chris Hobbs." Debbie pipes up.

"Chris?" I say, I keep trying to form coherent sentences but it just doesn't seem to be happening.

"Yeah, but don't you worry Sunshine, Brian got him good." Debbie said. 

"Brian" 

"He went home for the night, sweetie." Mom says, "Everyone did. It's three in the morning."

"Don't worry, baby, I'm going to go call him right now." Debbie says. She must have seen the look in my eyes when I heard that Brian wasn't here. 

"I'm going to order another CT scan so we can make sure his brain activity is as good as it seems." Dr. Wallace says, "Are you having a lot of pain?"

"Yeah." I say, closing my eyes against the pain in my head that seems worse upon hearing it mentioned.

"Alright, we'll get you some more painkillers." He then walks to the doorway with my mother, "This is very encouraging, but he's not entirely out of the woods yet. At least we know that he's aware of what's going on and from what I've seen he probably doesn't have too much memory loss, except for the attack itself, but that's quite normal. After the CT's done you can let him sleep if he wants to but not for very long. I'll have a nurse come in every hour or so to check on him."

"Thank you, doctor." Mom says, she sounds very emotional.

"You're very lucky, son." He says to me, and leaves the room, Debbie nearly crashes into him as she rushes back through the doorframe.

"Did you call them all?" Mom asks, as she goes back to sitting beside me, she takes my hand in hers and squeezes it. 

"I did," Debbie said, "Brian wasn't answering his phone though, so I had to leave him a message."

I suddenly feel a little like crying. Where the hell is he? 

"Don't worry, sweetie, I told Michael to stop by his place."

"What if" I struggle against my sore throat, "he's notthere?"

"He'll be there, Sunshine." Debbie assures me, "He's very worried about you. He was probably just in the shower or something and didn't hear the phone."

"Yes, honey, don't worry about Brian." Mom says, "Just try to concentrate on feeling better." 

I close my eyes as my mom and Debbie continue to talk to me in soft soothing tones.

I must have dozed off because the next thing I know I'm waking up to being lifted off my bed and onto a cold table covered with paper.

"We're just going to do a CT scan," a nurse informs me upon noticing that my eyes are open, "it's not going to hurt."

The nurse and a few other people finish arranging me on the table then leave the room. After a few minutes I see something moving toward my head. My whole upper body is soon inside this thing that looks like a large white cave. 

I'm finally alone. I finally have a chance to think about why I'm here and what this all means. Part of me wishes I could remember what happened but part of me is glad I don't. 

I remember Brian's face as he looked at me by the Jeep right before we kissed. Something was different. At least it was for him. Then that asshole Chris had to go and assert his manhood or whatever. 

In the solitude of the machine a few tears slip out and I let myself cry for a moment. Then I stop. I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself. Even though nobody's said it I know things could be a lot worse. 

No matter what happened afterwards to mar it, prom night really was the best night of my life. I'm never taking back that statement. I really hadn't expected Brian to come. When I saw him there, looking so damn sexy, I thought he was just going to ask me to get out of there with him and go back to his place. Which I probably would have done. But then when that song came on. And we started dancing 

I still don't know how we managed to pull it off. Dancing so perfectly. Not one missed step. I guess I can attribute it to the fact that Brian and I are just so well matched. That we complete each other. I'd never tell him I think that, of course. He'd just say I was being overly dramatic. But it really is the way I feel about us. And I know that in that split second of change between us, Brian realized it too. And started to feel the exact same way.

The CT scanner has retreated now and I can see everything in the room again. 

"Alright, we're all done," the nurse informs me, "Bradley will take you back to your room." I glance at the very attractive orderly standing over me and can't help but let a small smile form on my lips for a second. God I'm a slut. But I suppose I come by it honestly. One can't spend as much time with Brian Kinney as I do and not pick up some of his more questionable habits. 

I'm lifted onto a rolling bed and wheeled out of the room. We go down a few floors in the elevator. It feels really strange to be in an elevator while lying down. We reach the floor that my room is on and begin to roll down the hallway. I'm surprised to see everybody gathered outside of my room. Well, not everybody. Brian's not there. I swallow the lump in my throat and try to look brave for everyone. 

"Justin!" Emmett, who has obviously been crying, approaches the side of the bed and kisses me lightly on the cheek. "Honey, we were so worried about you! I knew you'd be OK, though."

Bradley, ignoring this display, wheels me back into my room and locks the wheels on the bed before leaving. 

Everybody files into the room after me. Em, Ted, Michael, Vic, Melanie, Lindsay (who is holding a sleeping Gus), and of course Mom and Debbie. I can't believe that they would all come here in the middle of the night just to see me. I feel a little overwhelmed by it. Not to mention by everything else. It's a bit too much and despite my plan to not feel sorry for myself my vision starts to blur with tears. 

A nurse appears at the door and says that no more than two people at a time are allowed to see me. I'm a little relived at that, oddly enough. They all kind of look at each other for a moment trying to choose who should be the first, but I decide for them.

"Michael? Where's Brian?" I ask. 

The others look at Michael and begin to file out of the room, all looking back at me with great concern on their faces; a concern that both touches me and scares the hell out of me.

Michael sits down in the chair next to my bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Not that great." I answer, "Where's Brian?" the tears that had been threatening begin to spill over.

"It's OK, Justin. I'm sure he'll be here soon." Michael said, taking my hand tentatively. "I left him a message on his machine at home, and I went to his place and left a note on the door. He didn't have his cell phone on for some reason."

"What if something happened." I can't stop crying. This is all too much to handle. Especially without Brian here. 

"Nothing happened. He's fine. He probably didn't realize the phone was off." Michael offered, "He'll be back, I'm sure of it. He's so worried about you, Justin. He loves you. He'll be here. Don't cry, OK. Do you want me to go back out and check a few other places?"

"Would you?" I ask, forcing myself to calm down. I don't want anyone else to see me like this. I don't really want Michael to see me like this either but it's too late to worry about that.

"Yeah, I'll do my best." Michael says, rubbing my shoulder a little. "Please, try not to worry too much. I'll find him."

"OK." I say. "Thanks."

"No problem." Michael says as he reaches onto the table beside my bed and grabs a couple of tissues. He gently wipes the tears from my cheeks, "Get you cleaned up a bit so your mom—and my mom for that matter—don't get any more worried about you then they already are." He smiles and squeezes my hand again as he stands up, "Feel better, OK?"

"Yeah." I say, feeling a bit more calm, but no less worried about Brian. 

Ted and Emmett come in after Michael leaves. Ted doesn't know what to say, and Emmett can't seem to stop talking. So they balance each other out, as they always seem to do. 

Em tells me not to worry about a thing, that Brian will be here. He tells me how upset Brian has been and that he's been spending nearly all of his time here at the hospital. This worries me even more. If he's always here, why the fuck isn't he here now? I take a deep breath and try to calm myself down again. 

I think Emmett senses my distress and moves on to lighter topics. He talks about how much the people at the diner are pulling for me. He points to a card sitting on the window sill. It has signatures on it from all the regulars. 

They keep talking and I start feeling weird. My brain feels like it's all fuzzy around the edges. Suddenly Em and Ted are standing up with a horrified look on their face and

there are doctors and nurses standing over me, holding me down. I feel a needle go into my arm. My head is pounding and I'm seeing stars. They finally get off of me but they still look ready to pounce. Mom rushes over to the bed and puts her hands on my face.

"Justin!" she says, frantically, "How are you feeling, honey?" She has her hands all over my arms and chest, like she doesn't believe I'm really here.

"What happened?" I ask, as the pain in my head dies down to a dull throb. 

"You had a seizure, Justin." The doctor says, my mother steps aside reluctantly, to allow him to examine me. He's shining that fucking light in my eyes again. 

"Why did this happen?" Mom asks as the doctor makes me follow his finger with my eyes. 

"I know it's scary but it's not that uncommon soon after a head injury." The doctor explains, finally allowing my mother to come back to my side. "We gave him some medication and that should prevent any further seizure activity. I'll have someone come in to check on him every couple of hours to make sure everything is alright." 

"Thank you, doctor." Mom says, as she sits down next to me again.

"He should get some rest. No more visitors for a little while." The doctor says, sternly as he leaves the room.

"Honey, try to sleep, OK?" Mom says.

She doesn't have to say it again. I close my eyes as she holds my hand, stroking my palm with her thumb. Whatever the hell they gave me is taking effect and I can't think of anything but sleep. Well, one other thing

I'm awoken by a nurse a little later. I can see the sunlight coming in around the drawn curtains so I know it's been at least a couple of hours since I was last awake. The nurse is injecting something into my IV, and my eyes start to feel heavy again even before she's done. I see Michael in the hall through the open door. He's talking to mom. He's alone. 

I can't quite catch what he's saying. Although I can figure out that the whereabouts of Brian are still elusive. My heart sinks. Where is he? I need him. I close my eyes, thinking that I'm far too worried to sleep, but the drugs seem to say otherwise and within minutes I've drifted off again.

I feel my hand being lifted off the bed by someone. At first I think it must be Mom's hand but it feels bigger. I feel soft lips brushing against the back of my hand and my eyes flutter open. I look over at the figure sitting beside me. 

"Brian" I say, voice barely above a whisper.

He has a small smile on his face, and he kisses my hand again, then holds it with both of his own underneath his chin. "You look pretty sexy in that gown, Justin."

I smile a bit, and even manage to shoot a small glare his way. 

"I didn't mean to leave you." Brian explains, "I decided to just drive around last night for awhile to clear my head. The battery in my cell died and I didn't notice it until this morning. I got so tired that I pulled over and fell asleep in the Jeep. But that's no excuse, I should have been here for you. I'm sorry."

"It's OK. You didn't know." I say.

"No, it's not OK." Brian says, "None of this is OK. I should have protected you. I should have.I'm sorry." His face falls and I can see tears glinting in his eyes, his bottom lip is beginning to quiver.

"Brian, don't" I start to say. 

"I'm so sorry." He whispers as he leans foreword and lets his forehead rest on my chest. He sobs softly and I can feel his tears against my body as they soak through the thin gown. 

"Don't cry, Brian." I say, I put my hand on his head and stroke his hair, which is dirty and disheveled. I've never seen Brian cry before. He always acts like nothing phases him. I know better of course, but I've never seen him like this. And as I lay here, doing my best to comfort him, I realize that he's crying because of me. Because of what I mean to him. Because I was almost taken away. And he's letting me in. Letting me see him raw and uncensored. I feel my heart swell with love, as I reach my head up so I can kiss the side of his forehead. 

He raises his head from my chest. Breathing heavily, eyes red rimmed and damp. "I'm sorry."

"Brian, it wasn't your fault." I say.

"Yes it was!" He pulls away and leans against the back of the plastic chair. He rubs his face with his palms. "I shouldn't have come to the prom. It set him off! Or I should have taken you home with me. Or I should have.I should have"

"Brian!" I say, more forceful this time. "You didn't do anything wrong. I don't blame you. I had a great time. I told you before, that was the best night of my life. I don't take that back." I'm crying a little now too, "Fuck, I don't even remember what happened after I said goodbye to you at the car"

"I do." Brian said, voice thick with emotion, "I'll never forget it. I saw himthat little fucker, I saw him in the rearview mirrorcoming up behind you. So I got out of the car and I screamed your name and you turned around. But it was too late. Too fucking late. That asshole with his fucking baseball bat.he hit you. I couldn't stop him. I couldn't stop him. And now you're hurt, and it's all my fault." 

"Brian," I say, trying to talk to him while absorbing the information he just told me. Nobody had said what had really happened to me yet, until now, "listen to me. It's not your fault. Nobody blames you! It was Chris! You tried to stop him, but just because you couldn't doesn't mean that it was your fault! And it wasn't your fault for showing up at the prom. Chris has had it out for me all fucking year! Who's to say he wasn't planning this for months? Fuck if you hadn't have been there he might have.finished the job. You probably SAVED my fucking life!"

"Don't say that," Brian says, taking my hand again.

"Why not?" I say, "You can't blame yourself. I don't blame you and nobody else does either." 

"Well, don't go thinking I'm this big fucking hero." Brian snaps, "I couldn't stop it from happening!"

"Nobody could have." I say, "It just happened. And no amount of blaming yourself will change that. It'll just make you hate yourself more than you already do. And you shouldn't do that, Brian."

"Why?" Brian says, a tear trickling down his cheek.

"Because as much as you may like to think, you are not a bad person. You're the most wonderful man I know," I say, "and I love you."

Brian leans down and kisses me softly and sweetly, I can feel his lips trembling as they press against my own. He pulls away and lays his head on my shoulder, I can feel his breath against my neck as I put both arms around his back.

"I don't deserve you." Brian says, very softly.

"Too bad," I say, "you got me anyway." 

EPILOGUE:

They make me stay in the hospital for five more days after I wake up. They want to make sure there isn't any complications that they're missing. I have one more seizure while I'm there too, and I guess it freaks them out a bit.

I stay with my mom for a week after I get home. Everyone decides that it's the best idea since I'm still on a lot of medication and I'm sleeping all the time. Brian comes to see me almost every day. He and mom get along a lot better then I would have ever imagined they would. He certainly does know how to turn on the charm when he has to.

After a couple of days at home I'm dying to get back to Debbie and Vic's. I stay out the whole week with my mom though. I know she has to feel needed. And it is kinda nice to need her again. Even if it is only for a little while. We talk about a lot of things, and resolve some stuff that has been up in the air for awhile. 

When I finally do get well enough to move back into Deb's house things aren't much different. She hovers over me worse than my mother did and she won't let me leave the house for the first four or five days. Then Vic talks to her, thankfully, and she calms down (at least outwardly), and lets me try to get my life back to normal. 

So here we are, two weeks after I was released from the hospital. I'm laying in Brian's bed. We're both breathing heavily. It was our first time since the accident and I could really feel that things between us have changed for the better. He has never been so tender with me before. So committed to making sure I was getting the most pleasure possible out of our act. I'd never seen him look at me so intensely, with such passion. It was beautiful. 

We lay here now, in the afterglow, arms wrapped around each other so tightly you'd think our lives depended on being here, and being one. Maybe they do. As I lay safely in Brian's arms. I know I have never felt more in love with him than I do at this moment. 

"I love you Brian." I say, as I close my eyes, preparing for sleep. I have no expectations that he will say it back. I've said it to him before. And depending on his mood I get one of three responses. Absolute silence, an advisory against loving him, or, if he's feeling particularly cocky, an "I know." 

I start to drift off and his embrace tightens momentarily as he kisses me on the top of my head. Once, then twice. 

"I love you too, Justin." He says, softly. I raise up to look at him, mouth opening in surprise. He puts a finger to my lips to silence me then lifts my chin and kisses me, slow and deep. I close my eyes, lost in the feel of his lips against mine.

"Now go to sleep." He says to me as we pull away. I stare into his deep hazel eyes, as his face breaks out into a grin. "I know, it surprised me too."

We both laugh a bit at his admission and I settle back down to my comfortable position in his arms with my head resting against his chest.

"But I do." He says, kissing the top of my head again. "I really do."

"I know, Brian." I say, "I've known for awhile. But I also knew you wouldn't say it until you were ready. I'm really glad you finally are." 

"Me too." Brian says.

"You know, if you're not careful, you may just turn out to be a decent guy, Brian Kinney." I tease.

"I don't think so." Brian replies, after a moment of thought.

"Nah, me neither." I say, and we both laugh a little, and I'm soon sleeping soundly in the arms of the man I love, secure in the knowledge that he loves me too. 

The End

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